Narcissists like to teach you how they want to be treated. Narcissists like to learn how they should treat you as well. This is the dynamic of a normal building relationship. Unfortunately though, this dynamic plays out differently with a narcissist. Once this becomes a routine and comfortable for you and enough safe time goes by, the narcissist will turn around and use all of the above against you. There are many ways this normal and typical relationship building dynamic can be used against someone.
The narcissist Exploiting what he has learned about you by:
Learning how you like to be responded to regarding particular situations – An example- the narcissist knows you like to be babied or cuddled when you are sick so he will do this. The next time you are sick though, instead of cuddles, he goes out with his friends. Using your fears, annoyances and traumas against you is another commonly used way to exploit you.
The narcissist exploiting what he has taught you about him by:
Teaching you how he likes to be responded to when he is stressed- An example- Maybe he likes to watch a movie, shut the world out and be alone in times of great distress. You accommodate this need of course. Later on, a moment arrises where you get the q that he just had a bad day at work. So you decide to go out with your girlfriends that night. All of a sudden, he decides to freak out on you, call you selfish and breaks up with you.
A narcissist will set many linguistic traps in order for the narcissist to regain control. Some common traps are:
1. The narcissist will harass you with calls and texts if you do not respond —You may not want to respond because you are fed up or merely tired of explaining yourself, being shamed or constantly arguing. The narcissist can ignore you for two months but you are not allowed to not respond to the narcissist for more than an hour.
2. Due to the narcissist constantly refusing to talk about anything he has negatively done towards his victims, they are commonly forced to succumb to this non verbal request and inescapable expectation. The narcissist’s victims are forced to repress their rage and never attempt to discuss such ever again, The narcissist believes that once positive contact has been made with his victim after he has done something horrible, that he is then forgiven. The trap here is that once positive contact has been made, the victim can never express disappointment or anger towards that particular issue ever again.
3. The narcissist will constantly attempt to see you in person if he notices anything out of the norm regarding your obedience which of course, is something that the narcissist has covertly manipulated and molded into your behaviour and overall personality. Despite the narcissist creating inescapable situations where the victim is constantly trying to avoid emotional and mental consequences, the narcissist has set it all up to have such used against you if you try to change for the better.
Covert narcissists like to create an environment that puts this idea in the minds of the people around them that they are being listened to and watched at all times by the narcissist. The narcissist does this is many ways but two very commonly seen ways are: the act of staring and monitoring other people’s behaviour
The covert narcissist likes to stare at people making them aware of their staring, the narcissist wants people to know that they are being watched. Even when you catch the narcissist staring at you, this will not steer the narcissist’s eyes off of you.
The narcissist likes to monitor people as well, constantly questioning the people around them about what they are doing in any given moment whether you are looking in the fridge or leaving a room.
If you are raised by a covert narcissist, this insanity can make a child very sick and in fact, can create pathologicL narcissism and paranoia type disorders. Privacy and agency are both very critical components in the developmental phase of identity formation.
Covert narcissists like to deny this insane behaviour as well, simply because the narcissist believes that all things exist linguistically thus, behaviours cannot solely be deemed fact or real. The playing of perception of anyone calling these behaviours out to a narcissist will unfortunately take place, being dismissed via gaslighting.
Expecting the narcissist to actually make your perfect life actualize, only lead to disappointments. The narcissist cannot actually be what he pretends to be and this is not because the narcissist slowly and methodically removes his mask over time but more so, because he cannot actually be a person of depth and substance. Even if the narcissist’s victims mold into what the narcissist claims he wants, he still cannot be a person of depth and substance.
A relationship is impossible for the narcissist not because he is malignant but because he truly has nothing to offer anyone emotionally, and mentally. All a narcissist has is linguistics and fantasy which yes, is enough to lure his victims but never enough to keep them in his life or actually be part of a purposeful relationship.
This is not something that is disappointing but in fact, it is a very important piece of because wasting time on a narcissist’s expectations will leave you alone, miserable and sick.
Relationships consist of acceptance, sharing, caring and unconditional and consistent love. A narcissist cannot actually provide anyone the above.
Some examples of why that is :
-the narcissist cannot talk about you or himself
-the narcissist is of course, not consistent and cannot love anyone not even himself never mind loving someone unconditionally
-the narcissist cannot accept you or himself
-the narcissist cannot effectively problem solve or effectively resolve conflict
-the narcissist cannot hear or validate anyone’s emotions
So as you can see, the narcissist cannot actually be in a relationship. The only thing the narcissist can provide anyone is his presence and not even that is promised or consistent. Essentially, you are not allowed to exist when part of a narcissist’s life.
Being raised by a narcissist can have some very extreme effects on a child which usually follows them into adulthood. There are many negative behaviors a narcissist will do as a parent but one very impactful and negative influence is the denial and dismissing of their child’s subjective reality. This behavior can take on many forms such as: ignoring, shaming, blaming, degrading, constantly speaking for or over the child and of course, gaslighting. These behaviours are extremely impactful but what ends up making matters worse is the narcissist parent falsely justifying all of these negative behaviours thus, turning lies into reality for their children. The child ends up with an inner world that is filled with shame, guilt and confusion that negatively effects many aspects of their identity and overall life. They also come to believe that their tourmenting, agonizing mental and emotional states are due to being innately worthless-this is the narcissistic remedy to effectively brainwash their children to create the perfect supply source.
The narcissist will create various dependencies within you in order to control and abuse you.
Some examples of dependency are- isolating you which leaves you to only have the narcissist to rely on as your only interpersonal interactions, creating a mental illness like post traumatic stress disorder or anxiety and depression within you to debilitate you and prevent you from having the mental energy to help yourself in anyway, financially creating a dependency so you are unable to set yourself free and sometimes, all of the above can take place which is common if you have been born and raised by a narcissist.
Unfortunately, discussing the above with a narcissist will only lead to gaslighting and denying you of your reality because of course, the narcissist has ensured that everything appears solely as a choice you made.
During the time that the dependency is created, awareness is obviously lacking for the victim and little did they know they were being brainwashed and manipulated to the high heavens-they trusted.
Knowing that you are dependent in any way on a narcissist is unfortunately, not enough to be able to place yourself in an independent situation. The narcissist has ensured he/she does not allow you one minute of relief in order to prevent you finding the metaphoric door to escaping.
The only thing a victim of any narcissist can do is to take a look at what dependencies have been formed and work on each one daily till the light at the end of the tunnel is seen but this is much easier said than done. It is also important to understand that you will not receive much support neither during your path to independence.
When it comes to a narcissist, he exploits his victims in order to create reactions that support and delusion-ally enhance his false self. He has to rise above his victim’s perception of themselves in order to build and create reactions to support this. This is of course done via manipulation, degradation and gaslighting.
When the narcissist exploits his victims in order to enhance his false self, he comes to believe that he is of course, better than his victims . So essentially, he is able to glorify himself via his reflection supplied to him by his victims while at the same time, be able to see his victims for who they are in relations to his false self.
The narcissist cannot just exploits his victims and not judge them for being so vulnerable and easily manipulated which is a huge reason to why the narcissist loses his very much needed supply in the end thus, manifesting his own abandonment.
Yes of course, degrading his victims appears to be a good enough reason for anyone to attempt escaping such but in reality, it is the very thing that keeps a person supplying the narcissist till of course, they cant take it anymore and attempts to flee permanently.
You would think that kissing the victim’s ass might be a better tactic for a narcissist but that is too much of a risk for such a species who seeks control over the very thing he needs. Essentially, the narcissist rather risk abandonment than lose his manifested reflection of his false self but never forget, the narcissist is an addict and does not hold such long term critical thinking towards this. All the narcissist can truly think about his feeding his false ego. The narcissist does not hold a concept of time so what he needs in the moment is all the addict can think of.