A Letter to the Narcissist

No one cares that you are addicted to attention, why do you assume others give a shit? Oh wait, you know no one would give a shit thats why you lie and manipulate others.

Who told you that you were important? Who told you that you mattered? Oh wait, no one, you know your not important, thats why you crave attention so desperately.

Why do you walk around with your nose in the air as if you are better than the rest, we all know you have no real accomplishments and lie about literally every aspect of “yourself”? Oh thats right, you know this already, that is why you have to lie.

I couldn’t imagine being you, I couldn’t imagine hating myself so much that I erase myself. It is unfortunate you feel you need to exist. Oh wait, you don’t want to exist- you have no choice but to exist, obeying the demon in your head claiming it’s you.


Feeling like you cannot win

There is a very unique manipulation tactic the narcissist likes to use which is responding to everything you say in the same arrogant aloof manner. The narcissist uses the same style reaction every single time he responds to you. Regardless of what you say, the narcissist will always ensure his refusal to show you he is hurt or effected.


You-“your a dumbass”

Narcissist – “xo”


You:”your acting crazy”


In the midst of such an aloof conversation, the narcissist will throw an insult or two to provoke anger within you and than watch you become ever so frustrated because he has manipulatively gone back to responding in his usual aloof manner.

The key is to understand that the narcissist seeks to control you and one way to do that is to utilize his false self to initiate various emotional reactions within you-puppeteering.

When the narcissist does this, you feel completely out of control but in order to switch the tables, you need to grey rock. Lack of an emotional reaction on your part=the narcissist out of control.

Crazy calling you crazy

There is no guessing when it comes to the fact that the narcissist is absolutely crazy, no doubt about it, but when the narcissist tries to make you look crazy, you sometimes give in to this, thinking you need to defend yourself.

Here is the thing, when a narcissist calls you crazy, really look at what you have said prior to being called crazy and ask your self “is saying ______really crazy?” So that is a rhetorical question because the answer is of course, no.

You do not need to defend yourself against a person who is acting insane-calling you crazy. Never forget, the narcissist holds a belief that “if you defend yourself, you are guilty”, hence why the narcissist never explains his craziness. This belief is in fact true when dealing with a narcissist not when a narcissist is dealing with a non pathological narcissist.

Pathological narcissism is set up to reconfirm and establish itself like concrete. For example, holding a belief that defending yourself leads to being guilty is a belief that prevents outside objectivity from entering the narcissist’s mind and overall perspective thus, unable to change or critically reflect on one’s own behaviours and thinking.

The Projection Cure

The problem with projection is that it remains a theoretical fact. How can one prove that projection is taking place? This is a massive problem when it comes to dealing with an abusive narcissist. Your self esteem and reality has been completely distorted because of this psychological phenomenon. So..

Two unanswered questions remain-

1. When can you know that the narcissist is projecting?

2. Would it make a difference knowing this?

By definition, projection in psychology is defined as: a form of defense in which unwanted feelings are displaced onto another person, where they then appear as a threat from the external world.

How does this psychological action remain a theory? Well because we cannot perform tests regarding the subjective state of mind. So how can we know that projection actually takes place regarding a narcissist?

When the narcissist gets caught cheating, lying, manipulating and becomes verbally and physically abusive, you forget the past, the emotional rollercoaster always took a hold, alongside a state of confusion. You do not think to correlate the narcissist’s words and actions to the art of psychological projection in this way so let’s do that now.

How many times has the narcissist called you a terrible name? Looking back, you come to realize that all those name perfectly describe the narcissist. This is one strong example offering evidence and proof towards the narcissist clearly relying on projection.

Having this understanding can provide you insight towards all the names and abuse you have experienced via the narcissist, now being able to understand that such was not an accurate depiction of your character in anyway but in fact, an expressed self reflection of oneself via the narcissist.

Knowing this does make a difference in how you see yourself and how you handle any interaction that you must partake in with any narcissist.

Losing your voice as a child of a narcissist

Many narcissist parents like to constantly speak for their child, removing their vocal agency. The narcissist parent will constantly respond for their child when their child is spoken to. The removal of the child’s self and their entire reality is the end result. It doesn’t help that the narcissist parent is in charge of the child’s identity formation in their early development.

This particular behaviour of a narcissist can go overlooked as well. For example, the narcissist child will be asked a general question from a third party and the narcissist parent responding for their child can appear as casually joining in on the conversation.

The need to constantly speak for one’s child as a narcissist parent comes from a need to control oneself, never forgetting the narcissist’s child is the narcissist’s greatest extension. The child picks up quickly on their narcissist’s need to speak for them and usually end up becoming obedient to this behaviour. The shame that would follow such a protest is just too emotionally great for the child and/or abused adult.

Many children who experience this from their parent/s lose themselves in the process. They lose their preferences, opinions, motivation and self esteem.

The nonsensical shaming tactic

How many times have you said something to the narcissist and he/she became offended? This is a common occurrence with all brands of narcissists but this can become a very strange occurrence when the narcissist becomes offended over things that are not offensive in nature.

The narcissist’s reaction will be to shame or guilt you, covertly or overtly. Overtime, you begin to walk on eggshells because your entire existence becomes one of offence to a narcissist.

Example 1-

You- “what your saying isn’t making sense though”

Narcissist-“ok, because your so smart and perfect, i forgot, your a doctor”.

Example 2-

You- “why did you do that?”

Narcissist-“why are you always against me?”

Example 3-

You- “you going to the mall today?”


You- “you always go to the mall on Saturdays”

Narcissist- “ya i always go to the mall on Saturday, ya.”

You-“why are you getting offended”

Narcissist-“I’m not, your perfect, I forgot”.

The narcissist internalizes everything you do because this is the disorder, a self focused and consuming pathology. Even when you do not say anything offensive, the narcissist will internalize it and perceive it as a negative. Why they do this is because NPD is actually a disorder deeply rooted in shame. The narcissist’s perception is distorted accordingly to feed their pathological narcissism, one where they are the most important and superior in some way.


Narcissists like to yell as a control tactic, they believe that raising their voice will control your reaction whether it be you backing down or changing how you respond. An example is you asking the narcissist something in response to what they have said.

You-“wouldn’t it be easier if you did it this way instead?”

Narcissist-yells “i did it that way!”

In this example, the narcissist is trying to control your subconscious thinking regarding how you respond to the narcissist the next time. You were not expecting an abrupt voice raised response to what was said in the above example. Your emotional reaction to the narcissist yelling his/her response to you will be one of shock and nervousness thus, programming your subconscious to think twice the next time you respond to him/her.

To notice this particular tactic, you would need to have studied the use of linguistics. On average, people learn to communicate with others at a very early age and you never need to question this early learned skill.

Narcissists use their false self as a means to control your reactions and this includes their tone of voice. Like I have said in an earlier blog post, the use of one’s tone of voice is preferred by the covert narcissist.